Why the Reproductive Health Bill should be passed in the Philippines

The Reproductive Health Bill is a much important piece of legislation that will cure the malnourishment of reproduction in the Philippines. It is designed to curb the growing population of the country by providing information and resources to people who love to shake and mix semen with egg cells every chance they have, but are surprised when nine months later, babies shoot out of them.

When you think about it, there are only three things you need to know to understand why the Reproductive Health Bill needs to be passed in the Philippines. All you need  to know is that one) reproduction is a public activity, two) the government is fantastic at managing nationwide projects that involved billions of pesos, and three) we have trillions of pesos from our budget that goes unspent.

Reproduction is a public activity

Isn’t it obvious that the act of reproduction or what adults would call ‘sex’ is a public activity? That is why people have sex on the streets or in the malls or in fast food chains. Nobody have sex in secluded areas far from prying eyes – where’s the fun in that? Reproduction is a public activity because it involves society. It is not between two people: the ‘sexer’ and the ‘sexee ‘. Reproduction is a collective event, kind of like People Power or Charice Pempengco’s concert, wherein one group would form a gigantic erected penis (sometimes with props and costumes) and another would form a v-shape pyramid. The two groups would then macarena in front of each other until  a stork comes and poops a baby out.

Because reproduction is a public activity, the government has the right to legislate what goes on in there. The government has the right to do a little a reach around and molest whatever it wants because reproduction is not a private affair. Simply put, it can give you a hand – if you know what I mean.

People should understand that reproduction is something the government can and should meddle in. They can and should meddle in reproduction especially because there’s not much else to fix in this country. What do you want the government to do, sit down and watch porn all day?! There’s nothing else to fix. We have a fantastic education system; that’s why kids don’t share text books anymore. Our agriculture is booming; just look at all those uprooted plants and trees in Cagayan de Oro City. Inflation is at an all time low: especially electric and water costs. Electricity is so cheap now that I want to turn on the airconditioner with my doors and windows open and cool down the entire country. We will have snow, we will have snow!

The government is fantastic

When was the last time you got disappointed in a piece of legislation that sounded perfect but did not get implemented properly? The last time we screwed up legislation is when Estrada upheld formal wear in all government offices and the people from Banaue did not know what to wear.

Just take a look at how effective the Clean Air Act is. The black smog that used to hover above Manila is now just dirty-white. Look at the great job they did at cleaning the Pasig river. Aren’t you just tempted to take a swim on the chocolate-y goodness? All you need to do is take a look at our new money and see the realistic picture-like faces printed on what looks like used Zest-o foils to realize how fantastic our government is. Can’t you see how happy Roxas is? Why won’t he? Osmeña lost weight, Quezon lost age, and Aquino got a wife.

Look at how successful the automation of the election was. Did you see how Congress understood all the technical and technological aspects of that? Weren’t you impressed at the vast knowledge and extreme grasp they had on networks, and servers, and computers? They posted everything on their friendster profiles.

We have trillions of pesos

The Philippines have so much money that there will be no tax increases. Aquino said in his campaign that there will be no more poor people – and he was right. In fact, his battle with corruption is so effective that the government think tank Philippine Institute of Development Studies (PDIS) is not pushing for new taxes. This is why the budget is balanced. We have so much money; we have no foreign debt. In fact, we have so much money for social programs such as the Reproductive Health Bill, the government is planning to slash tax rates and maybe abolish tax altogether.People might be concerned that Bureau of Internal Revenue (you know the BIR, the greatest thing since Adobo) is going to subject excessive pensions, housing, and health contributions to tax so they can treat it as a ‘form of investment’, but we all trust how they will manage that properly. Plus people have high incomes anyway and they get their SSS, GSIS, PhilHealth, and PAG-IBIG benefits without hassle so there’s really no problem with taxing them at all. There are no long lines, no forms, no bureaucracies, no red tape, no clearing period, no delays, no excuses, and cheerful employees.

In conclusion, the Reproductive Health Bill should be passed in the Philippines. It is just what we need. We have great people to run the entire project. We have excessive money in this country. And reproduction is like a festival where strangers can go inside your house and sample your dishes – if you know what I mean. The stellar macro-manager, A.K.A. the government, should spend billions of pesos that we have lying around on a human activity that is public in nature.